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I sat down and started reading my entries from early 2008. I wanted to see if I could pinpoint when I became vegan (aside: success). I kept on reading, backwards and forwards; as so often happens, when one peers over the lip of the rabbit hole, one tends to tumble in indefinitely.

Backwards and forwards. I read all of these brutally honest, heart-rending, gutting entries about my horrible, horrible marriage. Like this one. There were so many. They started so much sooner than I remember them starting. They went on for so long. So much longer than I remembered. There are so many things I never told. I was so broken for so long. So thoroughly broken. For so many years.

So many years.

I left him. I did, finally. This isn't news, as such. It was almost a year and a half ago, and over three and a half years after we separated. It took so long. I don't know why it took so long.

It took too goddamned long.

But I did it. It was hard, but not for long. It was scary, but not for long. I was sad, but not for long. None of these feelings/states lasted anywhere near as long as I thought they would. God, was I ever done. The turmoil, the heart-part, was over pretty quickly. Anger and revulsion, then, and sometimes still. Then it was impatience and frustration at required interactions, at the mechanics of extrication, at the molasses-pace. Chafing at the necessities, desperate to be done.

Now, though? Joy. Bounding joy. Soaring, uncontained, irrepressible glee.

Is it cruel to say so? Be that as it may. It was terrible and now it is over and I am ecstatic. Exultant.

My divorce is final in two months and three days.

In all my life, I have never, ever, ever been happier.

Comments

( 4 comments — Leave a comment )
pescana
Feb. 22nd, 2014 04:35 am (UTC)
Been thinking of you the last few days, wondering how I've been since I last saw you. I am so glad you're still happy and your life is full of joy and glee. Past time!

Edit: HEE! I meant how you've been, but thought I'd leave the mistake because it made me laugh. Yay for your joy!

Edited at 2014-02-22 04:36 am (UTC)
sarrabellum
Feb. 25th, 2014 06:53 pm (UTC)
I'm good. I'm just... I'm so good. School is great; I'm on my last class at NSCC and will have my AA at the end of the quarter. I'm still volunteering at - and in love with - Vegan Haven. This boy is phenomenal and our relationship is beautiful and never mean or angry or tumultuous or chaotic. Like, I thought they were a myth, relationships like this. We've got this spectacular dog, and this spectacular life, and happiness is my default position, and I'm so good. I never even thought this was possible - this pervasive, quotidian happiness. I thought people were lying about it.
So, so good.

<3 <3 <3

Edited at 2014-02-25 06:54 pm (UTC)
pescana
Feb. 25th, 2014 07:19 pm (UTC)
I would like that kind of happiness too! And it warms my heart to hear things are still so wonderful for you. <3
sarrabellum
Feb. 25th, 2014 08:22 pm (UTC)
I would like that kind of happiness for you! I'm sorry work is cruddy and your sinuses are cruddier right now. BAH.
( 4 comments — Leave a comment )